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Monday, June 12, 2006
Refresh. Renew. Regenerate
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
yeah im back from camp. the camp comm's coming over at 8 for debrief and thanksgiving and fun and movie marathon [LOTR please]. camp [or maybe retreat] was to sum it all up in one word- fruitful. i went to camp desperately hoping that it would help to change me, my attitude and my relationship. and i think to some extent it did. the next time i post, there'll be more on camp because camp was enjoyable. ha that was a happy paragraph. im breaking my silence after nearly 2 months. i hope a post which will be for everyone to read will be up soon- yes actually i'd rather you dont read starting from the next paragraph if you wont be able to help because then i'll be dragging you down with me. dont worry peiling wont disappear from the blogging scene.
im going to publish this for the sake of the Smile Peiling club when they return home because they've done a lot and the only thing that they wanted other than to see me smile was to know more about what's going on. so i should at least do something to repay them right:
do you want God?
pnick asked exactly the same question brandon asked me a couple of weeks ago. and i gave the same answer- no answer.
a couple of weeks ago, i was stunned by my response. instead of the firm "yes" i would have liked to tell brandon, i kept silent, and there was this short but long pause. my uncertainty stunned me. so heres a 14-year-old child of God who has wandered off and knows of God sending His son down to earth to die for her sins and everything He has done for her, and yet when asked a very simple question "do you want God" she remains silent.
today nick asked it, and i know many people broke when he asked that. as for me, i was still unable to give a definite answer. and now looking back, what shocks me most is that a couple of weeks ago, i got so worked up but this time round i did not seem to care about my response. i was calm, much too calm.
do i want God.
if asked a few months ago, im pretty certain i would have been able to look the person in the eye without hesitation and give say yes firmly. there's absolutely no question as to why i should want God. because there's absolutely no reason for me not to want Him.
so right now why am certain of my answer. or better still, why am i unable to even give an answer.
is it because i have fallen so many times that i want to climb up again only to endure another fall? dont mind staying where i am now- in the pits? is it because i have wandered so far off into an unknown realm that i have lost sight of where i am supposed to go and so given up totally?
are the above nothing but excuses? is it simply because i think i can manage without Him and am too stubborn?
i know i cannot survive without Him. without Him ng pei ling would never have existed. but yet why am i so stubborn. im starting to wonder now whether He has been calling me back to Him and trying to bring me back but my stubborn heart has refused time and time again. yes refused, not politely declining but refusing. refusing to budge from where ive been. a stubborn heart is deadly, as what Eandrew spoke about last time.
i think im starting to adapt to how i am now. just like this thing about a frog and a boiling pot of water. if the temperature of the water in the pot is 100degrees and you place a frog in, the frog will jump up immediately. if you put the frog in the water and slowly raise the temperature of the water, the frog will adapt and will eventually die.
that's exactly how i am becoming. since my spiritual life started going downhill, i was desperate to get out of this mess, but now it seems that im comfortable in the state that im in. and honestly, it's a very frightening situation to be in. at least now it's not so bad in the sense that im aware of what's happening to me. the change that im undergoing. what worries me is that a day will come when i dont even realise it.
im very sure my stubborness is interlinked with my pride.
to the Smile Peiling club members, i dont know how i can thank you guys enough. and dont think you've failed. you havnt. really.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
